The advantages of being a narcissist and other things I tell myself

They say narcissists love themselves too much. They say narcissm is bad for your health. I don’t care about them or what they say.

It’s four in the morning and you seem to be in a cycle of insane insomnia woken up  by the sounds of nothing and weak murmurs of silence. It’s been two days since you slept properly. Black circles aren’t the biggest problem you think- the biggest problem is that you’ve been crying yourself to sleep.  The biggest problem is that people have begun to notice. Your friends wonder why you missed school, your friends ask why the tired eyes,  why you look so diseased. You can tell your friends but they can’t help you because you’re alone. You’ve all you got.

It began with middle school didn’t it? The bullying, the lack of fashion sense, the way you tried so hard to fit in it took you forever to get yourself back. It was early teenage when you listened to what they listened to when you befriended who they befriended and you thought you were friends. It took a while to realize mirrors only taunt you if you let them and people only hurt you if you care about them. So you stopped caring at all. The mirror still seems like your enemy sometimes though but you smile at it anyways now. It’s that familiar face that has stuck with you. That face knows your scars that makeup can’t hide. Though you still don’t care for makeup do you?

It was college wasn’t it when you realized that other people are living the life you want to. It was college wasn’t it when drugs didn’t seem so bad but you never took them of course but you secretly began to want to. It was late teenage when you realized that everything they said about being 18 is a lie. Being 18 meant real friends unfortunately it also meant trying to talk them out from taking their lives. And those things they say about driving late and going on hikes seemed cool on paper but rape cases don’t really help these things become more than dreams that you don’t have anymore because dreams require sleep and when was the last time that happened. But you still see a mountain and you still see woods and you let yourself feel good. You should because you’ve been with yourself for so long.

They say narcissm is a bad vice and they tell you to be proud of yourself. That’s not how it works. You tell them to fuck off. Because 4 years ago you cared too much about them and you nearly choked yourself. Because in college they nearly took the life of your friend. Because today they tell you you can’t do it. They tell you to get married instead of studying. They tell you not to study what you want. They tell you go become them. You tell them to fuck off.

Fuck off. I will love myself for waking up in the morning. For not cutting myself. For not attempting suicide. I will love myself for getting through. I will love myself more than I love my friends. I will love myself more than I love my family. I will die alone probably. That’s okay too.  I’m. All. I. Have.

I know it seems scary to die alone. Sometimes you would want someone  to love you. And you tell yourself you love yourself more but you’d die for them. A bullet to the head. Poison to your heart. Because they’ve been there as much as they can. Because you’re human. Becasue you care. That’s okay too. They don’t have to know that. And even if they do vulnerable or not

You tell them to fuck off. If they think they can take advantage of you. You shoot them. If they think they can hurt you you fight. Narcissm even if it’s fake is important.

It was 4 years ago wasn’t it when self loathe drove you here. It’s better here isn’t it. It’s better this way. I hope.

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