I’m sorry I don’t dream like many people. My aims aren’t centered on houses and cars. They aren’t made of materialistic desires. I can’t post them on Instagram with beautiful captions.My dreams aren’t desires to begin with. My dreams are merely reflections of myself. A chase to see if I can get to that person standing at the center of the stage with a smile that could light up the whole room. My dreams are her. The girl with short messed up hair, and a heart made from ivory and sarcasm. The girl with the smile associated with madness and sheer insanity. A genuine wholehearted craziness. My dreams are to find her. Find her in everything I try to do. I’m sorry, my goals aren’t aesthetics. They aren’t beaches or cities. They aren’t travelling and grades. Although, Florence is a nice place and it would be nice if Discrete Math could tone down it’s paganism. I want my everything to goals to be surrounded by the egocentric disgrace of a human I am.
Everything goals is the way people understand and empathize without feeling the pain themselves. It is the ability to understand but not relate. The feeling that makes one ask “what’s wrong.” without our hearts themselves filled with wrongness and emptiness. The understanding that “hey, are you okay?” simply because you notice your friend is tired. Not because you yourself are. It’s the scrunching of noses at uncomfortably funny jokes but feeling the discomfort that you can’t relate to. It’s caring without letting your own opinions and emotions getting involved. It’s the ability to detach from yourself.
But reattach at the right times. It’s finding the audacious lack of respect for other people to stare back at people staring at you. It’s the complete buffoonery of making a random stranger feel uncomfortable when you feel they are invading your sense of self. It’s finding the legal path in the morally ambiguous notions we make. Of feeling high without taking drugs. Of laughing without having a minuscule amount of happiness in you. Everything goals is being free of societal pressures, of being the self. Of being myself.
I remember Zinara asking me if something is considered “okay”. I remember telling her everything is considered okay if you only consider yourself. I remember telling her not to let people effect her. You want to stay at the coffee house for 6 hours straight-go do that. You want to slap a guy. Go do that. You want to kill men who ogle at you as you walk down the street. *insert a witty comment here.*
I remember crying to her like a fool when I let them get to me. I remember the anger and resentment of feeling someone other than yourself murder you.
I remember talking to Tehreem about how I am consumed by factors that I have no control over. “Kuch cheezain hamain bata kay nahi hua karti.” Somebody said to me once. I made a face, something which was a cross between “Look,my cricket team is playing shit.” face and “Ew. Men.” face, that made her laugh. I remember how Tehreem was curious about how I feel. She wanted me to write about it.
Lol. Fuck you Tehreem. I’m going to write about myself.
Everything goals is accepting that somethings will not ask your permission. They will come, they will attack and when you don’t expect it they will leave. Everything goals is the realization that somethings that run in your blood will stay there no matter how much metaphoric blood (AKA ink) you spill on empty basins (AKA journals) and that, that is okay. Somethings like depression don’t leave so easily. Somethings like love don’t come at all. Everything goals is realizing that self-love is the only true love you might find. That’s the most precious and rare form.Everything goals is annihilating everything that comes between me and that. Self love. Self love. Self love. That’s my goal. The Aries in me. The child. The extrovert. The debater. The wild crazy eccentric me.
Everything goals is really “Everything that is me.” changing to “Everything I will be.” where the emphasis is on the I not the everything. That’s not as easy as it may seem. Especially for people who are crippled with self hate. Especially with people who have too many “me-s“. So perhaps I’ll start with accepting that I may never achieve everything goals completely.
(Side note:Unfortunately, sometimes you do find everything goals,completely and wholly, in people that aren’t you. Fuck.)