When carbon is ignited in the presence of oxygen it combusts. When there isn’t enough oxygen it kills. When there is no oxygen or heat it stays the same dark mineral. Remember that.
I found myself in one of those conversations with Tehreem again. Sometimes if my friends were to read what me and her talk about they wouldn’t even recognize me. Especially after this particular episode of highly exaggerated ranting, on my part, about, oh dear God, save me, love.
I treat romance like it’s a bi-product of existence, should be thrown out the window never to be looked at or felt ever. I treat romantic interests and (romantic/sexual) love to be separate deities, though both I abhor. So you can imagine my complete repulsion to what I am about to write a little while into this, thing.
If there is someone who I want to be filled with, it is me. I know the amount of times I’ve said this on this blog has probably begun to annoy everyone in the world,
and honestly I have to stop saying this because the more I say it the more it looks like I’m trying to tell myself it’s true even-though it might not be. I just don’t like to be filled with thoughts of other people, it give me anxiety and furthermore, I am quiet fascinating to know and complicated in my own right so I have every right to want to be filled with me before I give that luxury to some one else.
These days in the quiet bus rides to university I’ve begun to think more though. And let’s be real, a thinking nincompoop can only produce blunders and stupidity. I found something on Instagram that devoured me completely. I’m not the kind of person who can let things go, another thing I repeat too often, and when it comes to written pieces or works of art, well it’s a curse. Even right now I can’t seem to find the words, for what has welled up inside me. I shared it with Tehreem. (Read at your own risk.). It was about the kind of love I would feel if I ever love someone and it scared her.
I didn’t quiet understand why, I do now, but here is something I only just realized. I was so caught up in why and how it scared her, that I forgot how much it scared me. Maybe if Tehreem had agreed, I would have asked doesn’t it scare you? But she didn’t.
Funny isn’t it, that I took so long to defend it, when in all honesty, it scares the living fuck out of me too. But I guess I forgot. Tehreem, likes water and calmness. Only she can describe it in her own distinct way. I like fire.
I like the idea of recklessness. Of ragged hearts filled with sarcasm and wine. It wouldn’t be anything like lakes and water, the only liquid here is regret as it washes over us. It would combust releasing a heat too profound to be captured and trained. On the good days it should devour us, on the bad days it should come chasing us as we run from it like wildfire. It should laugh on the average days. Whole-hearted laughter. The silence between us should be deafening. It should be the sound of violins in an empty room. You would think it’s childish and you would be correct.
Love should be childish. And stupid. What is the point of love if it doesn’t make you dumber?
But most of all, love shouldn’t leave, and fire tends to extinguish. But let’s be real it’s harder to keep water from flowing away than it is to quench out fire. Isn’t it? Fire dies down. Water seeps. Fire needs to be prevented from extinguishing. Water needs to be in fool-proof containers. Tehreem’s heart is a fool-proof container. And that’s amazing on it’s own. My heart is Hell.
That’s why love, love comes from Satan.
Hell isn’t always bad thoughts and sins.
Sometime’s it’s warm, like Summer, and the way the breeze welcomes you in it’s arm. Sometimes it’s like sweaters and mufflers and jackets and layers that make it hard to walk when the wind turns on you. Sometimes it’s chai, how could I forget chai, that burns your tounge just a little. Ouch. Sometimes, it’s peaceful, like the blueness of the sky that would have you think it’s summer outside even-though it’s -18 degrees.
Sometimes it’s the silence between the music. Maybe if I turn the music on really loud, we could use it as an excuse for driving over the speed limit. When I know, I know, the rules, the laws and all those hindrances to mankind.
What am I even doing here? I have Chemistry to study and a cricket game to watch. What a waste. Like the water that’s created when coal is burnt.
I hope I always have enough oxygen. I hope Tehreem always has enough,of whatever it is she wants.