(Warning: intense use of death note references)
I raise my sleeves and stretch my arms, much like Light Yagami does in his infamous potato chip scene on the anime Death Note, and laugh to myself, again much like Light Yagami. It’s time for my body to projectile out sarcastic vomit and call it a blog post. I can feel it churning within me as it fights my inner demons, I can feel it whisper jokes in my ears, I feel it. It’s coming.
It’s peculiar. More peculiar than my average posts. It stinks of positivity, no- it stinks of lack of empathy and prior knowledge which is masked in skillful words to make it look like it’s positive. It’s useless, yet it’s obnoxious and self obsessed. It feels like it’s serving a purpose to the world of the internet. Could it be you Piers Morgan? Have you inhabited my body and turned into a blog post? Is it you Katie Hopkins? What is this monstrous post?
I’m trying to fight it, but it’s too strong, it’s ferocious. It’s here.
So without further ado I bring to you my self-help blog post on how to survive being yourself.
WITH THIS SELF-HELP BLOG POST
WRITTEN BY A 20 YEAR OLD NINCOMPOOP, WHO HAS NO IDEA WHAT TO DO WITH HER LIFE YOU TOO CAN LEARN HOW TO SUPPRESS THE FACT YOU’VE HAD FIFTY MENTAL BREAKDOWNS IN THE PAST WEEK ALONE.
*end of over enthusiastic and vaguely written sentence that makes you feel as if I’m the Monk of Self-help.*
And I assure you, it will be just as helpful as the other self-help posts on the internet. (My buddies with depression can I get a Fuck Yeah?
Of course I can’t. You all are tired and sleeping. #SnapOutOfIt)
- Growing a repulsive sense of humor
So young ones. are you willing to step into the domain of sarcasm and putrid humor that none but you understand? Are you willing to be so pathetic in your attempts at everything that you are just pathetic. Are you willing to delve into the world of self deprecating and other people- deprecating humor?
Laughter is the best medicine. Of course it is, and humor is the bottle it comes in.
But how, how do we obtain this bottle? Do we find it in the Advils we take to control our migraines? Do we find it in the snot covered pillow that we can’t throw away because we’re too lazy to, the closed blinds, the darkness and the emptiness?
Well, I’m not supposed to tell you how to do shit. I’m just supposed to tell you what to. A self help post is supposed to bombard you with fanciful ideas, like taking a break from everyday life to go on a travelling trip to Iceland where conversing with the holy mountain goats will clear your mind of the void you’ve conjured up, but isn’t supposed to tell you how.
You see, everyone is different. We have all been given different brains, different thoughts, different ideas. I cannot tell you how to live your life, I can only tell you what the fuck to do according to my limited vision.
However I can impart upon you this secret from the fountains of sarcasm.
One cannot be truly prepared to glide across the beach of absolute bullshit, and drink of the waters of stupidity if you do not take permission from the king of the world of roasting, Chandler Bing.
Remember to visit Chandler Bing.
2. The art of not giving an actual fuck
Let’s imagine the worse thing that could possibly happen to us. Marriage, kids, the insane desire to rip apart ourselves and reconstruct our body, bad sex etc.
One way to combat these things is to rant. You could rant to your friends who will undoubtedly turn of their last seen because of you. You could rant on your WordPress blog, where no one gives an actual living fuck and yes being completely ignored in your time of desperation is what you need.
Or judging by the fact that you might feel lonely anyways, why not isolate yourself even more by putting on an expressionless face, that says ‘bitch, do I look like I care?”
And eventually you’ll stop caring. In fact you’ll plunge into the depths of not giving a fuck, you’ll be so stressed, so filled with emptiness and other oxymorons, so filled with the inability to feel that you will actually not give a fuck.Because you can’t.
Unless it’s the sweet sight of a car rushing towards you, driving at 150 km/h as you stand at the edge of a cliff, having nowhere to run.
THAT’S AWESOME. Not because you can feel the awesomeness, that would defeat the whole point of not feeling,no-the reason is because now nobody can hurt you. Except yourself. In which case, clearly tell yourself to fuck off, you will not entertain these humorless, non meme-sque thoughts, and when you realized yourself can’t possibly fuck off try step 1.
Yes. This in itself is very important, but combined with humor it is an impenetrable force of God bestowed upon the unholiest of the overtly dramatic of the human population.
3. The art of crying
So it’s happened. Step 1 has failed. Step 2 has failed. You, *deep inhale* kind of, sort of, actually, care. In fact maybe you don’t care, and you’re scared about the fact that you don’t care because that’s fucked up. You’re so scared about the fact that you can’t bring yourself to feel anything, except this ugly stomach waves of nausea which the internet calls anxiety that you kind of care about your not caring.
A little overwhelming isn’t it? This increasingly big nothing.
AHA! Another oxymoron.
Not to fear, the art of crying alone on your side of the bed covered with a comforter or bed-sheet even in the heat of July, will save you.
If you have indeed read this far, and you are able to comprehend by PhD level of bullshitting then I’m sure your parents, room-mate or whoever you live with is accustomed to seeing you lazing around in bed. (Or as I like to call it being so tired and crippled that you cannot bring yourself out of bed.) If this is truly the case, then naturally you won’t get caught.
For additional protective measures while still in bed; use a pillow to muffle out any sounds made.
4. The catharsis of an obsession
But honestly, we are humans. Our humanness, humanity (or whatever the appropriate word is I’m tired of being fake happy okay?) depends on our ability to use our emotions as a drug and completely depend on them for our definition of humanity.
This means we have the urge to feel something even if that something is normalcy. That’s where our daily minuscule irrelevant obsessions comes in.
* my 5000 word essay on Light Yagami falls out of the journal*
Excuse me for that interruption.
*shoves the essay into a locker filled with pictures of Light Yagami.*
*All the pictures fall out.*
You know what. Let’s ignore this mess. There’s nothing wrong with a little bit of healthy obsession with the outer world. It is in obsessions that we find the reflections of ourselves, of who we’d like to be, who we can be if we apply ourselves, it is in obsessions we find laughter and happiness and a valid reason to not sleep at night.
So find your obsessions. Find a completely insignificant person, thing, real, alive, dead or maybe non existent being (some would call this God and accuse me of being religious) and dedicate your life to it. Make a Tumblr. account and while you’re making something, make someone’s life miserable, kill time and while you’re killing, kill everyone who disgarees with you. Make a shrine on the remains of the dead body of all those #HATERS and become god of the new world. BECOME JUSTICE.
Also insert references to your obsessions, that only those in your fandom understand.
And that’s it. The four steps of surviving being with yourself. And I know these work because I’ve tried them.
By the end of it, the person you’re trying to survive with will want to leave you. But hey, there’s self help posts for that too.
They’re titled:”How to get over your depression.”
They are as useful as this one is.